Numbers

The book of Numbers, as read through my NIV student Bible, certainly serves to illustrate how one man’s rubbish can be another’s treasure. How one man’s pain can be another man’s pleasure. (Hey, that rhymes, some of the time!) It also gives us a great lesson in “forgive, but don’t forget.”

The opening notes for the book of Numbers carries the tag “A joyous adventure comes to a tragic end.”

Perhaps the author of that line read the much more amusing “National Lampoon’s Exodus,” in which Moses, in comedic fashion, doesn’t see the construction sign and rides the family camel at high-speed off a ramp, to hilarious results.

The Exodus that I left behind for this one had the Israelites oppressed under slavery, witnessing the brutal suffering of the Egyptians, then escaping into a desert where they wandered and grumbled for some time, subsisting off of manna scraped up off the ground every morning, and repeatedly punished for being some of the stupidest people on the planet and continually revolting even after having witnessed some pretty extreme wrath at the hands of God. Gee. It’d be a shame to see all that fun come to an end.

Speaking of fun, Moses, one of the most devout figures in the entire Bible, a man who spends the vast bulk of his life doing God’s work and often being the middle man between God and the grumbling hordes…essentially middle management, one of the most unenviable positions on the planet…a man who is built with all the same flaws as any other (by his maker no less) spends his life in God’s service. God, to make a point that rules are important and that minutiae is every bit as important as the big picture sentences Moses to living out his life in the desert, never reaching the promised land, due to a minor and poorly documented infraction. This fate in fact befell all but two of the original Israelites, and a large part of why they wandered the desert for 40 years was to make sure that generation of losers died off before they could finally move forward. I guess the good times did end after all.

Numbers ultimately is a rehashing of Exodus and Leviticus, but in more of a story form and not the rigid listing of rules like we were previously presented with. A bit of warring shows up at the end too.

Also, a man flogs his donkey. No, that’s not a euphemism.

It seems the Moabites were shakin’ in their birkenstocks (I assume this is what they wore back in the day) because the Israelites had thrashed the Amorites and were now coming for them. They sought out Balaam, a known sorcerer of sorts, and apparently a guy on God’s good side. Mostly. Balaam was to put a curse on the Israelites at the behest of the Moabites.

Balaam sez, “Ok, I’ll come check it out, but I can do no more or less than what God will allow me to do.” At this point you’d think the Moabites would say, “Hmm, God’s chosen people are coming to whoop our asses, and we’re pinning our hopes on a guy who’ll be doing God’s will on THIS side of the wall, perhaps we ought to devise a plan B.” Alas, they were stupid instead. But that’s not the weird part. In fact, that’s pretty much expected at this point.

Balaam sets out on his donkey (aka. the Volkswagen of ancient times) to go see these Moabites. God, not happy apparently with the manner, timing, style, or perhaps lipstick in which Balaam had set out gets Balaam’s attention in the most direct manner possible. I’m kidding. No, that wouldn’t make the story as good. So he has an angel appear - I am not making this up - to the donkey. The donkey sees an angel, sword drawn, angry, and does what donkeys do. It immediately changes course, veers off into a field, and likely cranks out a pile of donkey-apples. Balaam, seeing nothing, confused, starts crackin’ ye olde donkey whip to get his ass back on the road. Seems like a fairly natural reaction. A bit further, in a narrow alley in a vineyard, the angel again appears. And again, only to the donkey. The donkey promptly makes more apples and proceeds to grind his rider’s leg into a wall, attempting to go around, and again suffering Balaam’s riding crop. A bit further, in an even narrower alley (which apparently were everywhere and in increasing narrowness), the angel appears again, the donkey gives up, no more apples to give, and lays down. Balaam then gives the donkey a rousing good thrashing, at which point this scenario goes past ridiculous. In Dreamworks-esque fashion, the donkey talks in what I can only hope and pray was the voice of Eddie Murphy, and the question he asks I’d imagine would’ve made Balaam reach for his gun, had those been invented at the time.

Donkey: “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

Not near as cute as “In the morning, I’m makin’ waffles!” If you’re Balaam and your up-till-now normal mode of transportation started behaving erratically AND talking, how would YOU answer?

Balaam: “Not what you’ve bloody well been directed to do, that’s for sure, and for no reason readily apparent to me.”

Balaam does in fact mention that, had he had a sword on his person, he would in fact have slaughtered the beast then and there.

Donkey: “Have I not always behaved normally in the past?”

Balaam: “And in the past, you’d go where directed and then NOT get whipped, yes???”

A bit more banter back and forth, and voila, the angel decides to appear to Balaam too.

Balaam: “Ohhhhhhhh…”

The angel then proceeds to berate Balaam for animal abuse and goes as far as saying, “Had this kept up, I would’ve killed you and let the donkey live.”

This is clearly one of those “mysterious ways” we always hear about when strange crap happens and God’s supposed to be behind it. Remember, it’s “mysterious ways”, not “screwing with you”, “yanking your chain”, or any other phrase suggesting that this is the completely wrong way to win people over to your cause, or is an unusually sadistic way to go about things.

How often would you imagine a person back in those times would’ve said, “Ya know, my donkey’s on the fritz, I wonder if there are cosmic forces at work here?! Perhaps I outta take time out, reflect, and pray to my God who always treats me right” rather than “The ONE time I’m in a rush…”

After all of this, Balaam comes to the Moabites, speaks some of God’s choice words, and essentially does nothing to help the Moabites, but he does it for profit.

God’s sense of compassion and upstanding morality continues a bit later when the Israelites go destroy the Midianites, keeping and dividing all of the spoils. Included in the spoils, specifically outlined by God, would be all the young ladies who’ve never been with a man. All other Midianites…men, their wives, and sons are to be slaughtered, but those tasty tasty virgins (some likely very very young) are to be kept and divided as spoils of war. The old testament is thus far quite unfavorable to women. That’s so odd. One wouldn’t expect such a thing from a series of books written by a man. This is clearly divinely inspired, and certainly not something that has occurred repeatedly and with varied results throughout history. (scientology and mormonism anyone?)

What will Deuteronomy bring…