The Book of Judges would seem to be all about hitting you over the head with a stick. The theme played out over and over (and over) again is this: God’s chosen people, the best people on the whole planet, and often the only ones getting any attention - good or bad - cannot function in any way shape or form without the constant presence of God in their lives.
Section after section plays out according to this script. They’re following God, but gradually turn away, worshipping other gods and such, ultimately devolve into a life of total debauchery, until such point as a “judge” rises to return them back to the fold, typically with tragic results and the deaths of many.
Perhaps us heathens missed the memo, cause if you fast-forward to modern times, I’m aware of (and friends with) several people not on the often perilous path set forth in the Bible, and I don’t know of anyone actively holding orgies or generally being selfish pricks. Could be that we’re missing out on some well earned fun there. I digress...
Continuing on with the theme so far of people who seriously have no concern for their own well-being is the oft told story of Samson. This guy had the strength of 50 regular men, or in more modern terms, he was as strong as Hulk Hogan and Mr. T combined! He was also apparently criminally stupid. As the story goes, he was a man driven by lust, and he hooks up with a saucy tart named Delilah. She wants to know the secret of his super-strength, as of course he must have one, so, since he’s deeply in love, he tells her the WRONG secret (of course), and she subsequently tries to have him killed to tragic results for the Philistines. I’d imagine the events unfolded like this:
Delilah: “Samson sweety, for no particularly sinister reason, would you please share the secret of your enormous strength?”
Samson: “Gee, your intentions seem pure, so ok. It’s kryptonite.”
Delilah: “Kryptonite. Really?”
Samson: “Absolutely. Now, give me some sugar baby.”[Later that night after Delilah bejewels a sleeping Samson with kryptonite bling]
Delilah: “Samson! The Philistines are upon us! Coincidentally! On the very night you told me your secret and on which night I also coincidentally used that secret against you!”
Samson: “(yawn) Well, I lied, so now I must whoop some Philistine ass.”
[a little later]
Delilah: “Well, that didn’t work. Now we’ve got this stack of bodies which you just know will start to stink, and it’s a pain getting blood out of a dirt floor. On the upside, Superman’s stopped coming around bugging us.”
Delilah: “Also... Whine! Waa! Samson, you don’t trust me...I can’t believe you lied, so I’m going to ask again and you tell me the truth this time...k?”
Samson: “I’m a powerful and strapping young man living in biblical times, I’m extremely lustful and could easily discard you and pick up one or more less-annoying and murdery tart(s), but what the heck, it’s my magical Air Jordans...”
Stupid. Just stupid. They go through this charade THREE TIMES! She tries to have him killed THREE FRIGGIN’ TIMES, and after all of that, he tells her the real secret of his glorious locks, they shave his head, gouge out his eyes, and lock him up. Going back to a prior comment, perhaps this is why God pays such special attention to the biblical Israelites. The people of the time were so completely incompetent that they required constant supervision. And, the stupid surely doesn’t end here. Over time, due to extreme negligence, they let his magic super-power hair grow back, then, when the Colosseum is at max capacity, he says “please lead me over to the main support pillars for that thing”, and (surprise of surprises) they do. He then grunts, pushes the pillars out with his regained super-strength, and kills everybody plus himself. What a thoroughly inspiring morality tale.
I’d like to say Judges ends on a high note, but instead it rehashes an old story. Remember our good pal Lot, and how he bravely offered up his virginal daughters for gang rape so the villagers would leave God’s angels alone? You guessed it, second verse same as the first. A Benjamite (not to be mistaken for Vegemite) takes in a man and his concubine (and associated transportation and goods) for the night. The villagers show up (again) demanding that the stranger be sent out for a serious group buggering, and his brave and valiant host says no, then offers his own virginal daughter and the stranger’s concubine instead. They apparently pass on the daughter, but torture and rape the concubine to within an inch of her life, leaving her the ability to crawl back and die at their gracious host’s doorstep. (lovely so far eh?)
The stranger, thinking this is less than ideal, loads up his concubine the next morning and heads for home, where he proceeds to cut her up into 12 parts and sends one part to each of the 12 tribes of Israel to say “this is what the Benjamites have done”. The whole of Israel, stunned by this shocking turn of events rises up against the Benjamites with an army of some 400,000+ people. They consult with God who says “I am with you”, and they attack...and lose somewhere around 20-30,000 soldiers to the apparently better Benjamite army (only numbering around 25,000 or so in the first place). They regroup, consult with God again who says “No really guys, I’m totally with you”, and they attack the next day. Again, suffering massive casualties (around the same headcount as the first time). Most stories would’ve ended here, but let’s not forget these are the Israelites we’re talking about. Stupidity and suffering are their middle names. They regroup, again, consult with God, again, get his assurances for support, again, then attack, again. This time they fairly convincingly rout the Benjamites, slaughtering 25,000+ soldiers and burning their villages. And to think it only cost them around 60,000 of their own troops. War is truly a worthwhile endeavor.
The scant remaining Benjamites then start bemoaning their fate, as they’ve nearly been completely wiped out, and there aren’t enough remaining women for the remaining Benjamite men to continue their bloodlines and such, and woe be us if one of the 12 tribes of Israel is completely exterminated, I guess. The solution is nothing short of genius. The remaining men are told to go hide in the vineyards in Shiloh (to the north of them I think). Then, when the women of Shiloh come out to join in the dancing as part of a festival they’re having, the men are to rush from the vineyards and seize one of them to be his wife. THIS is the solution in order to get around some old oath people had taken specifically refusing to ever give their daughters to Benjamites.
I have to say I’m not sure about the mixed message being pushed here. All of Israel rose up against the Benjamites for the unspeakable acts they committed against a woman, then, they turn around and encourage the few remaining Benjamite men to essentially commit more such acts, and this time it’s ok. I could be wrong, but when I think romance, I don’t usually envision men running out of a field and taking women hostage.
