Deuteronomy

The book of Deuteronomy is sad and tragic, and possesses all the predictability and good judgment of characters in a horror flick. The vast majority of the book is spent with Moses begging, pleading, and lecturing the Israelites on God’s law, how it’s really not subject to negotiation, reminders of what God’s wrath is like, and how to be good obedient non-suffering people.

The Israelites, in their role as horror movie sidekick, insist on going up the stairs and opening the door, running deeper into the woods, etc. Much like this year’s Dallas Cowboys (a horror story in their own right), ya just know the entire time you’re reading that yes, they will indeed screw this up. Much of this I chalk up to pure stupidity. As a people, they don’t take lessons to heart very well, whether they’re lessons taught at the expense of other people, or even crap they brought upon themselves. Part of it though could certainly reasonably come from what they observed of their fearless leader Moses. Here was God’s main man, the direct intermediary between the big guy hisself and the unwashed masses, and even he couldn’t get it right. Moses was banned from setting foot in the promised land for what turns out to be a poorly documented infraction. Perhaps the Israelites simply figured it was too daunting of a task to pull off.

The book for the most part was a re-hashing of Exodus through Numbers told with less clinical presentation and with more heart as Moses laid out everything they’ve been through, everything God has done for the Israelites and against their enemies, fleeing Egypt, wandering in the desert, and taking the promised land. Moses took some time to blame the Israelites for the circumstances leading up to his ban on crossing the Jordan. Really, it’s no wonder, as this whole scenario is captured with brilliant brevity in the movie City Slickers when Billy Crystal (Moses) is trying to patiently explain for the 50th time to Daniel Stern (the Israelites) how to program a VCR (follow God’s word) so that he can watch one channel while recording another (be fruitful and prosperous), only to have Bruno Kirby (God) scream about how the cows (the cows) could friggin figure it out already. Eventually even Moses’ patience has to run out.

There were good talks on when and how to effectively stone people to death and how to properly go to war, and women continue to get the shaft. If a man takes a wife, goes around falsely accusing her of being a hussy, and the girl’s father can provide proof to her virtuosity, the slandering man is fined 100 shekels. If the charge is true though, the girl is taken to her father’s house and stoned to death on the doorstep (one would suspect fathers with daughters carried some kind of stone damage rider on their hut-owner’s insurance). This is of course because the girl, for her part, would be doing something disgraceful and evil, while the guy…er…um…apparently calling a virgin a slut isn’t disgraceful and evil and worthy of stoning. I would like to imagine though that in the original language in which this was written, a proper translation for the man’s actions would come across as “excessive douchebaggery” or some such. I would also love to know how often this sort of thing came up back in ancient society, and how on earth these fathers provided proof.

Man: “This woman is a slut!”

Father: [while rummaging through a box] “Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute! Let’s see…lock of her baby hair, first baby sandals…where is it…her first molar…she got two shekels from the Tooth Fairy for that one…junior agricultural achievement ribbon, second place for raising that well-mannered camel in junior high…ah, here it is. Her hymen. Yup, safe and sound right here in the keepsake box. You sir owe me 100 shekels, you devilish rapscallion!”

Man: “My bad. Hey, at least this isn’t a stoning offense eh?”

More likely than not, I’d guess this scenario played out more along the lines of the guy decided whoa, married a chick with far too many hang-ups, or her laugh’s annoying, or her nose hairs tickle me when we smooch, I’ll say she’s a slut, and she’ll be summarily stoned to death, freeing me up to get some new action. The father likely protested, but to what end?! I realize I’m not a woman, but perhaps women readers could enlighten me as to what sort of proof you could leave behind with anybody that could be used as proof of your virtuosity later on.

Another curiosity along these lines is tucked into Chapter 24. If a man marries a woman, then she becomes displeasing to him, he can write her a certificate of divorce. Pardon me? Speak into my good ear??? Among the really devout, there’s much talk about letting no man put asunder that which God has joined. Divorce is some forbidden and sinful thing. This section would seem to run counter to that. (but then, these guys seem to have a habit of taking multiple wives too)

The book ends on somewhat of a high note with Moses getting to peek at the promised land from a remote mountain vista, roughly at which point he died. Moses is credited with writing the first five books of the Bible, and very coincidentally he was the only prophet with whom God had such a direct relationship. I hate to draw parallels here, but Joseph Smith was also (I think) the only Mormon prophet to whom God (or God’s agents) had direct and repeated contact. A curious thing, that.

Fortunately for us (and to keep blog posting going), Moses imparted much of his mojo onto the rising star Joshua, who valiantly leads the Israelites into the promised land, and as is extensively suggested in Deuteronomy, certain peril (largely self-inflicted).

Now, to see what wonders await us in the book of Joshua.